I mean I freaking love it.
It's like the meaning of life of something. To me anyways.
I mean, you know that feeling when you listen to a really great song, and there's a riff, or a little part of it that just clicks. It just hits every nerve of your body and makes you stop and go "Wow."
That's what I'm searching for. That's what life is. That's the thing that makes life worth living, those little moments of harmony.
Screw the fighting, and the drama, and the general stuff. Life is music. Music is life. Everything has a tune and its all there just waiting to be heard, and I want to be there to hear it, you know? I want to experience everything, but there is just too much for one lifetime.
I want to do SO MUCH! People keep asking me what I want to do after I finish my degree. I tell them I don't know. This is a lie. It's more convenient you know? Rather than listing off all the hundreds of things i'd love to achieve in life, I fob them off with a "Oh i don't know, I guess i'd like to perform, but that won't happen, so i'll work in publishing or teach or something..."
I don't seem to have the drive to achieve my dreams. I really lack motivation. I should want to follow my dreams to the stars, but all I seem to do is wallow around being all emo about how i'm not good enough to achieve them. Do I set my sights to high? Maybe. Do I just underestimate my own talents? Probably.
I need to start believing in things. No. That's not it. I believe in my dreams, and I know that I want to perform. I feel it in my gut, my head and my tear ducts EVERYTIME I watch a piece of theatre. Everytime I listen to one of those beautiful songs. My head goes "That's what you want to do. That's where you want to be, bloody hurry up and get there!"
So perhaps rather than believing in my dreams, which I do, I need to do something about them. I need to find and conquer them. I need to believe that I CAN conquer them. And that I am destined to achieve them, and not be a lazy layabout all my life.
I don't even really want to be famous. I mean sure, it'd be nice on some counts, but absolutely awful on others. I'd hate the privacy intrusion. I'm a bad enough celebrity stalker fiend that to find myself on the receiving end of someone like myself would be awful. I'd hate it. I just want to perform. I want to escape I suppose. When I'm on stage its the age old cliche of 'i can be someone other than me'. I'm an exhibitionist, what can I say...I just love to perform!
I think if i could perform for real, on stage, in the moment, 'living the dream' then my life would be happier.
Performing would be Living which means I'd be Happy.
I think.
But hey, I guess ultimately I still don't know, and I won't until I'm there...I'll keep you posted...
x
No comments:
Post a Comment